Posts Tagged ‘son’

Wordless Wednesday

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Sleep Matters

***Warning, A LONG post***

What is wrong with me? What am I doing wrong?

KHAL has been screaming since 10pm – that’s for over the last two hours! I have NO idea what is wrong with him. I’ve checked for all the usual – too hot, too cold, nappy, teething etc and nothing seems to calm him.

If I get him up out of the cot he’ll settle for a few mins after which I’ll put him back into the cot. And then the screaming starts again. If I stand there and rub his back or tummy until he has quietened, the moment I stop, the screaming starts again. If I just sit by his cot, he will not stay lying down – he’ll scream and stand up and shake the side of the crib. it’s not good enough for me to be just near him! If I lay him down and give him his toy, pull the blankets up to his shoulders and tell him firmly “It’s time for sleep” and then walk out of the room, closing the door most of the way behind me, the screaming starts before I have even exited the room. If I lay him down and give him his lion, pull the blankets up to his shoulders and not say anything at all, then leave the room closing the door most of the way behind me, same result. I don’t understand.

I’ve even tried the controlled crying technique (in the past as well as tonight)… sort of. I hate hearing him cry and can’t bear to let him cry for longer than 10 mins without me going in there to try and settle him.

I just don’t know what else to do!

I feel so helpless right now. And I know the depression does affect the way I feel about and see things. I know that it colours everything that I do, say, think about. But this rubs really raw for what I believe to be a good reason!

You see, up until KHAL was 6 months old, he was a FANTASTIC sleeper. And stupid me contributed this to me learning my lesson from my experiences with ICE when she was a baby.

Apparently not.

When I was pregnant with ICE, I was induced a month early for various reasons – my blood pressure was sky-rocketing and ICE had actually stopped growing properly from about 32weeks, IUGR (Inter-uterine Growth Restriction) is the term I think that was applied.

So she was born at 36w3d and due to poor feeding, jaundice, and continually losing weight rather than gaining after the initial loss, we were kept in the hospital for 12 days after she was born.

Once she and I were home, we were instructed that we must keep a strict 3hourly feeding schedule. But she was soooo slow at feeding that by the time she finished a feed it was almost time to start the next feed! And it was for this reason that we kept her in the bed with us of a night time – so that I could get some semblance of sleep.

And while it served a purpose at the time, when it came apparent that it was time that she moved into her own bed (around about 1) it proved to be the worst thing we could have done. She didn’t want to sleep in her own bed. And who could blame her when she was so cosy with mum and dad?

The trouble we had getting her to go to sleep in the cot was horrendous. We endured copious amounts of rocking, patting, sitting near the cot, letting her fall asleep while feeding (then trying to transport her to the cot still asleep, did not work very often either). She never got to sleep before Midnight and the routine took over two hours before she got to sleep – on a good night! I spent many nights asleep on the floor, where I’d be laying while reaching up to pat her back and had fallen asleep out of sheer exhaustion. In fact, it got to the point where I actually put a mattress on the floor beside her cot in anticipation of this occurring!

During the day I held her a lot. Fed her to sleep and generally kept her close to me all the time (Boy was the separation anxiety intense when I first started having to put her into day care!). She never went in her cot whilst she was awake.

Back then, and even now, we did not believe in the controlled crying method of getting babies to go to sleep. I can’t bear to hear babies cry, it wrenches my heart out. I thought it was cruel to leave a baby cry it’s little lungs out for long periods of time.

But it got to the point where we just had to try it. I wasn’t getting any QUALITY sleep and life was starting take on a tinted film. We adapted the method to suit us – we never let her cry for longer than 10 minutes and once the crying escalated into distress we went straight in, whether the time limit had elapsed or not.

And ICE surprised us by accepting that we put her to bed and left the room straight away, none of the rigmarole was going to be endured. In fact she accepted this in just 2 nights!! I couldn’t believe it at the time! And all I could think of was, why didn’t we try this earlier?!?!?! 

She still didn’t go to bed before midnight, but at the time we took that. I was a night owl anyway and the fact that we didn’t have to take 2hrs to get her to bed was fantastic. She still slept until late, normally 9-10am, and had her naps, so I wasn’t worried about her not getting enough sleep. Once this new routine was well and truly established (about a month later) we started putting her to bed earlier and earlier. And now she goes to bed around about 8-8:30pm most nights. And it will be earlier again once she stops having her afternoon naps.

So anyway, I told you all this because I wanted to really show you how we’ve learnt from our experiences.

When KHAL came along, we had him in a bassinette beside our bed. He has slept in our bed twice in the last year.

Once he got too big for the bassinette – about 4months – we transitioned him to the cot in his own room, which he took to fine.

I don’t feed him to sleep. We had the whole feed, play, sleep routine down pat. I was quite able to put him in either the cot or the bassinette while he was still awake and leave the room without any hassle. I didn’t go into him straight away when he cried so he learnt to self-settle. I don’t hold him all the time, although we still enjoy PLENTY of cuddles and kisses and playtime.

I was quite proud of the way we had managed to change the way we did things and as a result of those changes, we had a baby who was a terrific little sleeper.

Until 6 months of age. And then it all went out the window. It’s like someone snuck in during night while I was asleep and switched babies with me!

Now, when I leave the room, most nights he cries. Fortunately after about 10-15mins of crying he will go to sleep by himself. This will normally involve me usually just lying him back down if he has been sitting up and pulling the covers up over him then leaving the room maybe once or twice.

During the night he now wakes up numerous times and will not self-settle. I am required to go in and settle him back to sleep. Usually this takes about 10secs.

And then there are the nights where he will cry for hours before finally going to sleep for the night (like tonight). He will still wake up numerous times through-out the night, which again requires me to settle him. Thankfully this happens maybe once every 7-10days. But it leaves me feeling completely helpless.

And then there are the nights where he has absolutely NO drama’s going to bed – no crying or anything, straight to sleep. But will wake up at around 3am and will proceed to scream for hours on end whether I am there with him or not. And those nights are the worst. Not only am I tired from only having a few hours sleep, but I’m desperate to try to settle him so that he doesn’t wake my daughter or husband. And not being able to settle a crying baby has to be one of the worst things a mother/father can ever go through! It’s very demoralising for me. These types of nights are occurring more and more often.

So I guess my problem is, what the hell am I doing wrong? We still employ all of the techniques with KHAL that we have right from the start, nothing has changed there. But it just doesn’t seem to matter.

We are doing all the “right” things and we still have a baby that doesn’t sleep well. It just makes me feel totally useless as a mother.

Any advice you may have would be soooo appreciated right now.

No Longer

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Look at them! Look at  how beautiful they are. The light that shines from them is wondrous.

This depression I’ve been experiencing lately has been affecting them, I’m sure of it. There are fewer giggles, fewer smiles from both of them – and it’s because of me, because I don’t feel like playing along with their games or reading them yet another story because all I want to do is curl up in bed, pull the covers over my head and hide from the world, and from myself too.

How can I be so selfish? How I feel has nothing to do with them. It’s not their fault, but I’m taking it out on them. They are reaping what I sow.

My children are my life. Just about every parent knows what I’m talking about. My life is completely different to what is was like before they came along, but I could never go back to that life knowing what I know now, knowing just how they’ve enriched my life.

And its for this reason, plus a few others, that I’ve decided that this depression will have control NO LONGER!

I’m sucking it up people! I’m getting my shit together and doing what I need to make my children laugh and smile like they used to. I’m laughing and smiling along with them – and as fake as it feels sometimes, it’s starting to feel a little bit more natural everyday.  I’ve starting exercising more. By the end of it, I’m tired, but I feel so much better.

So here’s hoping that things begin looking up. And if it doesn’t soon, I’ll be going to the doctor to discuss my options. I am not going to let this depression defeat my children as well as me!

ICE’s first real haircut!

So, Ice had her first real haircut. I’d been putting it off for almost the 3 years she’s had hair long enough to cut! One of the main reason’s why I kept putting it off was because she kept this little kiss-curl she was born with, no matter how long her hair got (and this morning it was almost touching her tosh!) that little, gorgeous kiss-curl remained and never grew out! And I couldn’t bare to chop it off.

But this morning I decided it was time. Ice doesn’t like to keep her hair up for long periods of time, and she is always on the go – Lots of energy – so as a result she was always getting knots in her hair. Come time for me to brush it was always a session of tears for her, and sometimes me. No matter how gentle I was, it always reduced her to tears. And well, right now with everything that’s going on, I’ve decided that I really don’t need to go through that every morning. Not a great start to a day that is (at the moment) destined to be crap anyway. 

After day-care this afternoon, I took her to the local hairdressers and she sat on the booster chair, had the kiddie cape wrapped around her and I instructed the hairdresser that I wanted to keep the curl at the bottom, and to chop it off until it was just touching her shoulders. OMG. I couldn’t believe that I told her that! I don’t know where it came from, as I was initially going to get about 2 inches cut off.

Oh well!

So here is a few pic’s of my daughter’s new hair-cut!

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And one* of Khal just because I love him and want to show him off!!

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*His Aunty took this picture – can’t take the credit for this gorgeous shot!!

Hooray!

Just another quick update on what’s been going on.

The breast feeding issues seemed to have resolved themselves. I’ve been drinking more water lately and instead of feeding Khal every 3 hours like I had been, I’ve stretched him out to about 4 hourly feeds, which seem to have worked great. We are not having any of the fussiness or screaming like we were.

Thanks to all who expressed their concern over the situation. It helped a lot to know that there were people out there who were rooting for me.  🙂

A lot has been going on, which I can’t go into right now – children call – but I will endeavour to put it all down in a post very soon.

Until then, have a great Easter or whatever holiday you celebrate this time of year.

xxooxx

Jinxed

I must have jinxed myself.

The last night was back to how it has been for the last few weeks.

Even a feed this afternoon was difficult.

This truly sux. 😦

Breastfeeding Update

We’ve had two good nights.

No crying, happy to feed the night before last.

A little fussing last night, but nowhere near as bad as it has been.

And no tears from me on either occasions! Yay!

Let’s hope it prevails!

Cross your fingers for me!

Insensitive

I knew my hubby wasn’t a romantic when I married him.

And I knew that, because of his childhood and how he had to grow up, emotionally he was a little… stunted.

But I loved him anyway and I believed that the longer we were together, the easier it would be for him to let it go and start allowing his feelings rise to the surface.

What I wasn’t prepared for was the complete and absolute insensitivity he displayed last night.

I am still struggling with b/feeding my son of a night, the letdown reflex is still slow and he is still extremely frustrated with me and my body. As a result of this, for the past 5 days we ( I should say, I ) have resorted to trying to top up his night feeds with formula, Khal HATES this. The entire time I am trying to get him to drink some formula, he cries, goes bright red in the face, shakes his head from side to side and pushes away from me all in a bid not to have to swallow that horrible, awful liquid that tastes so different to what he wants and is used to. The most I’ve managed to get down his throat is about 20mls.

And, in response to him crying, I’m sobbing.

Sobbing because I am the one that is making him crying.

Sobbing because I have to put him through it.

Sobbing because of the guilt I feel because I was quite capable of feeding my daughter for two years and for some reason am unable to do the same for even a quarter of that time.

Sobbing because of the shame I feel in my body that is letting me down.

But, the reasons for why I was crying is irrelevant. The fact of the matter is I was crying.

Where was my husband?

Sitting on the other end of the couch reading a book. Completely unfazed by the entire situation, as if we weren’t even there.

And if that weren’t enough, he was actually pissed off with me because I went to bed without saying goodnight!

What a bitch I am!

On Strike

So.

After breastfeeding my son for the last 5 months problem-free, I have encountered the one thing I never thought I’d have – breast refusal. I managed to feed my daughter until she was 2 and now it seems that my son has other ideas in mind.

For the last two feeds for the day KHAL is becoming increasingly difficult to feed. He screams, cries (tears and all), pushes me away, arches his back, goes red in the face and refuses to attach for more than a few seconds before unlatching and going through the whole process all over again.

I think the problem is that by the end of the day, my let down is a lot slower than what he’d like and is getting frustrated and upset by this. I also feel empty so perhaps my supply is low by the end of the day also.

I have found that after he has attached, sucked and then unlatched after only a few seconds at the b.reast, I have to switch him to the other side for him to do that all over again. And I have to keep doing this until after a lot of fuss and anxiety he eventually attaches and feeds ok. Not great, but enough for a proper feed I guess.

I don’t really understand what is going on, and its causing me great anxiety and stress. I’ve started dreading night time feeds. Last night I even had to give KHAL to my husband while I went to my room to try to calm down. When I came back, I found him happily babbling on my husband’s knee… way to stick the boot in!

KHAL feeds normally during the day, and his feed first thing in the morning is fantastic. Obviously because my supply has been able to build up over 10 hours. With this in mind I thought that I could give him some formula on the second last feed of the day, to allow my supply to build up a little and make my letdown a bit quicker. But as he has never had formula before nor really drunken from a bottle you can imagine how that went down… clearly not very well.

I’ve tried expressing, and can only get a few teaspoons after 30 mins of pumping. Even with a hospital-grade breast pump.

I’m waiting for the breastfeeding nurse person to call me so that I can make an appointment with her to go and try to get this sorted. I’m hoping it won’t be too long.

In the meantime, do any of you have any idea’s on what I can try??

I really need some advice!

Not only is this situation stressing both me and my son out, its really starting to get me down.

5 Months…

Already Khal is 5 months old.

We have recently started him on solids.

He has a gorgeous smile.

He makes me laugh everyday and I try to make him laugh everyday in return.

Everything he does is fantastic.

When he looks up at me with that special look of his after a feed, my heart swells, my eyes tear up and I wipe them away immediately so that I don’t miss a second of that gorgeous gaze – the one that makes me feel so loved unconditionally from the one person who doesn’t yet have the capacity to look at with hate or accusation or like I have made their lives worse because of the decisions I’ve made.

And now, a few photos for your viewing pleasure.

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