Lonely… I’m so lonely…

The kids are in bed – both earlier than normal. This is good as long as they both stay asleep. I’m not really worried about ICE waking up but KHAL has been waking frequently at night, which really – well sucks!

Hubby is sitting on the couch behind me watching Good News Week – a comical variety show centred around the news items in the last week. It’s quite funny and the show often hosts stars from the US and UK as well as our own celebrities.

The night has gone particularly smooth tonight – aside from ICE not eating much of her dinner.

But despite all of that, I just feel like crying.

My hubby is right behind me and I just feel so lonely.

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Fluvoxamine

So I finally bit the bullet this morning and went to see my GP about what has been going on with me recently.

Not really wanting to rehash a very tough, long and emotionally draining morning, the short story is that we, my GP and I, have decided to get me started on a course of anti-depressants and sleeping pills. I’ll meet back with him every week for the next few weeks to monitor my progress, and will eventually look at starting CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy).

So what I want to know is this: Has anyone ever had any experience with taking, or someone they know taking Fluvoxamine? What are the side effects of these pills? Did you/they find them particularly helpful in addressing the depressive state?

While I’ve been on antidepressants before on and off for the last 15 years, the tablets I’ve had have been Zoloft and Cipramil. And while these pills were effective, they did give me severe tremors that took a year to subside AFTER I ceased the medication.

The sleeping tablets I’ve been given is Temaze or Temazepam.  I’ve had them before but not really found them very effective in the past. Maybe with the new antidepressants it might be a different story?

I WILL go into how this appointment all came about – just not today. It was hard enough this morning. When it’s not all raw and all-encompassing, then I’ll fill you in.

Thankyou for reading and sticking with me though. It does mean a lot.

From the mouths of Babes…

What follows is a conversation I had with my almost 4yo yesterday:

ICE:  Mum, where’s your dad?

Me:  My Dad died hunny.

ICE:  Did your Mum kill him??

Me:  No, my mum did not kill him.

 

WTF???!!!! For starters, where in the world did she even get the notion that people kill people??? And secondly why would she even think my mother was the cause of his death!!! It made me laugh!

Seriously though, no more TV for her until she is like, well 100!

Why I’ve been gone for so long…. again….

Ok.
So here’s the story…. *deep breath*
For maybe the last six months I have been really unhappy. Lonely.
I’ve wanted to sell the house. Move away to some obscure place where there was no one who knew me. Where I could start my life fresh. WITH my family of course. I could never leave them behind.
I’m sick of the pettiness that goes on around here, the backstabbing and bickering in the family. If we are all talking one person at one time, it’s time to bring out the bubbly to celebrate because that is one thing that hardly every occurs – its like viewing Hailey’s comet twice!
My brothers and sister-in-laws all organise to do things together but rarely are we invited. It is always myself that initiates get togethers where we are involved. The excuses are mainly “you live in M” (they all live in S – about 12minutes drive away.) or “it was just a spur of the moment thing”.
Even my mother doesn’t ring or ask me to do things with her though she is quite happy to get together with Shan (my brother) nearly every weekend. The only time we ever spend together is when I call her, usually to ask her to help me pick up ICE from day-care as it 2.5km walk there 2.5km back (obviously) which is really a LONG way for a 4 year to walk in the cold weather, or to go into town to do some shopping, doctor appointments etc. And I HATE asking her to help cause I always feel and get the impression that I’m putting her out and she only does it because she FEELS she HAS to, being my mother and all.
My family doesn’t respect me. Clearly from their behaviour. I doubt any really care about me either. That really hurts because Hubby and I have helped all of them in one manner or another when they’ve needed it. Jobs, money, a roof over their heads, advice… It feels like it’s just being thrown back in our faces.
I don’t really have very many friends that I can just go to, drop in on and spend time with them. And even if I did, I couldn’t do that anyway because I don’t drive. And I’m not just the type of person who can make friends easily. I don’t trust very easily either, so that doesn’t help because I am always wary on new people.
So then there is my own feelings of being trapped. Not trapped in my marriage (believe it or not, i AM quite happy to be married to Hubby) but physically trapped because I have to rely on everyone else to get me to where I need to go. I know the solution of that is to just get my licence but, well, I’m scared. Not of my own abilities – i know I’ll be able to drive well enough given enough lessons – I drive ok-ish now. It’s all the idiots on the road that worry me! And there are a LOT of d.heads! Also, if I ever got into an accident with the kids in the car, and they got hurt or killed, I couldn’t live with that.I’m responsible for their lives. So that’s in the back of my mind too, making me put off just going for my license. But I’ve talked to Hubby about everything, and we are going to focus on getting me to drive, as it will open up a whole new world for me… scary stuff for me….
Then there is the feelings of not knowing who I am. I don’t want to be just a mum. I want to do something else with my life that makes an impact on others. But what???
Writing? Yeah well it seems that I’m not really destined to do that because I can’t even finish anything that I write.
Can’t do anything with photography yet – Hubby wants me to get my license first (fair enough).
And the fact of the matter is, I don’t even know WHAT i want to do. or WHERE I want to go.
I feel like I am floundering, going nowhere and that this town has nothing for me.
I’m just sitting here in a stalemate with myself. I’m getting older and older, and what can i say I’ve done with my life? I’m a mum. Yep and I love being a mum. wouldn’t change that fact for all the money or friends in the world. But what else? I haven’t accomplished anything else.
I hate my body. I’ve put weight back on because when I’m unhappy, I eat… yeah and well… I’ve eaten a bit lately! I’m back to weighing 82kg… I hate myself but can never seem to get control of myself. It’s really a vicious circle.
So… yeah, that’s what’s going on. I bet you didn’t expect all of that.

Well I’ll leave you with that to mull over.

Thanks for your time 🙂

$106 Million

Last night there was a lotto draw. It was the largest draw ever in Australia. $106 Million!!

Could you imagine what you could do with that kind of money??

I bought my first ever ticket for that draw.

Then hubby and I built sand castles in the air and talked about what we would do if we were lucky enough.

We would each give our siblings (7 people in total) $5mil. Our parents would receive twice that. We would set up trust funds for our kids who could not access it until they were 25-30 years old (by then we would they would be mature enough to handle large sums of money).

We would give large donations to a couple of charities – Breast cancer (hubby’s sister is fighting a losing battle with that disease) and children hospital charities ( you never know when you are going to need to rely on a hospital to treat and/or save your kids’ lives.)

Then we would buy and build the house we’ve always wanted. Own the cars we’ve always wanted – Chrysler 300c for me, 1965 Ferrari for hubby and maybe even a Holden Caprice as a family car.

The rest we would bank or invest the rest. Not in the stock market though – most likely property.

Needless to say, I didn’t win. I didn’t win anything actually!

Typical!

There were two lucky winners of that draw, each taking home a cool $53mil each. I am very thankful that one of the winners actually needed help financially. And the other couple said they would go to work as normal. Both are said to be donating amounts to charity and also to their families.

I am happy for them! Really. But it would have been nice if it were us!

What would you do with that kind of money?

Michael Jackson’s Swan Song

I woke up this morning. I logged onto the computer to read the morning news on the internet, such as I do every day.

I was faced with articles purporting that Michael Jackson had passed away. I thought it was a hoax. You know, like the rumours that said that Harrison Ford and Jeff Goldblum had passed away.

And then I received an email from CNN that confirmed his death.

I am sad.

Sad for the loss that his death has created. As eccentric as he was, he was a musical genius.

Sad for there will be no more music from him. No more music to enrich our lives.

Sad for his family, his three children who are now fatherless.

Sad that the last photo taken of him was of his body as he was being transported on a stretcher to the ambulance.

I am glad that people are celebrating, singing and dancing in the streets, a living tribute to the man behind so many tabloid stories, so much criticism, and stinging allegations.

Has uncool as it is to actually enjoy his music (where I live anyway) I cannot deny it. I do. His History album was the first I bought. I was about 12. It was on cassette tape for crying out loud!

As much as the powers that be decided that Invincible was a flop, I actually loved it.

What else can I say.

R.I.P.  Michael Jackson.

No Longer

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Look at them! Look at  how beautiful they are. The light that shines from them is wondrous.

This depression I’ve been experiencing lately has been affecting them, I’m sure of it. There are fewer giggles, fewer smiles from both of them – and it’s because of me, because I don’t feel like playing along with their games or reading them yet another story because all I want to do is curl up in bed, pull the covers over my head and hide from the world, and from myself too.

How can I be so selfish? How I feel has nothing to do with them. It’s not their fault, but I’m taking it out on them. They are reaping what I sow.

My children are my life. Just about every parent knows what I’m talking about. My life is completely different to what is was like before they came along, but I could never go back to that life knowing what I know now, knowing just how they’ve enriched my life.

And its for this reason, plus a few others, that I’ve decided that this depression will have control NO LONGER!

I’m sucking it up people! I’m getting my shit together and doing what I need to make my children laugh and smile like they used to. I’m laughing and smiling along with them – and as fake as it feels sometimes, it’s starting to feel a little bit more natural everyday.  I’ve starting exercising more. By the end of it, I’m tired, but I feel so much better.

So here’s hoping that things begin looking up. And if it doesn’t soon, I’ll be going to the doctor to discuss my options. I am not going to let this depression defeat my children as well as me!

Absent

I’ve been absent for a long time now – much longer than I ever intended.

There are a few reasons for this :

(a) we were on holidays last week, (it was SOOO great to get away from the daily grind)

(b) my husband has been off work on leave all this week and I find it difficult to blog when he is around. I don’t think he knows that I have this blog – so i guess its kind of my dirty little secret that I don’t want discovered.

(c) we’ve been having some major issues with out internet service.

(d) the issues I’ve been struggling with I briefly touched on in my last post.

Those issues haven’t really resolved themselves, nothing much has changed, but I feel as though I can muster up a post – partly because hubby is at a meeting and partly because I know that’s been so long since I’ve posted, that I’m risking fading into the distance, from your memories as though I’ve never existed.

I had planned on going through with you all just what my issues were, but now I’m not so sure.  I’ll start and I guess we’ll see how far I get.

So.

I’m beginning to think that I suffer from post-natal depression. Though I’m not sure. That sounds weird, I know. But you see, the thing is, I’ve suffered from depression on and off since I was 11.  It was about 2001 since I was last on meds however.  But I have now got that familiar feeling of unsettledness, that bleak outlook on life and the feeling that I have nothing positive to look forward to. Only this time its worse because I KNOW that my life is pretty good. I KNOW there is sooo much to look forward to.

I have two wonderful little children that make me laugh daily, that I love watching grow and learn and discover new things. They really are the light of my life! The only light at the moment it seems.

My husband has a very secure job, we only have a small house loan (<$115k) and are able to make extra repayments on top of the mandatory ones. We have a quite a bit of money in saving, and due to living in Australia, we have a *super-fund for when we retire. This is a wonderful thing in these tough economic times.

We are all relatively healthy – none of us have any major health issues anymore. That’s a great thing.

And yet, it would seem that its not enough to make me happy. And this makes me feel uber guilty, which just makes me feel like a selfish, ungrateful little bitch. Which makes me look at myself in the mirror and think: what have I got to offer? Surely my family deserve better than this… cretin as a partner and mother! A vicious circle.

Now I don’t know whether its postnatal or not because of the whole timing, and the cause of these feelings. My baby is 8 months old, but  I have been feeling like this for maybe the last two months. I know that I’m extremely tired all the time – Khal has been very unsettled the last few months due to teething and wind (still no teeth!) and so, wakes up a few times a night. Normally he settles quite easily, but the getting out of bed, settling him, getting back into and then getting back to sleep actually take a lot out of my night’s sleep when it occurs multiple times a night. The thing is, even when Khal sleeps the night through, I still have trouble sleeping, still wake up at least a half dozen times, and find it difficult to re-settle.

Khal HAD also been biting down on me during feeding a lot and very hard, and nothing I did deterred him. When it got to the point that I raised my voice at him to stop, he would laugh at me! I know logically he’s not doing it to hurt me, that he does it because it feels good on his gums, but whenever he would laugh at me, it just made me feel like he was doing it on purpose – like he set out to hurt me. That would lead me to be completely irrational and think things like “I can’t be a very good mum if my own BABY wants to hurt me!” etc. I know these types of thoughts are completely off the charts crazy, completely irrational and illogical, but they are there, circling around in all the dingy corners of my mind. So that didn’t really allow me to look forward to feeding sessions – which occur 5 times a day mind you!

I have to say that the biting has settled down a LOT! Thankfully!

I tried to speak to my hubby about all of this and his opinion is basically: once I start sleeping better, everything will be hunky dory. He doesn’t think that its particularly serious and when I told him about it all, he didn’t really come across as concerned…. this led me to thinking things like “my hubby doesn’t love me” etc… and when I told him that, he got angry which made me angry and we fought very loudly and teary (on my part) . And basically now I feel there really is no-one that I can turn to talk about such matters except complete strangers, and while that is a great thing in itself (the blogger community really does rally to support in their times of need) the fact that I have no one in my real world life just makes me sad. The people who I should be able to turn to, I can’t.

I also have to say that  this did actually all start when Khal’s sleeping started being screwy – but having suffered from depression before, I don’t think it’s as easy as my hubby says – a few good nights sleep will most likely NOT help in the overall scheme of things.

There is one other pretty big issue that contributes to the above, but I will go into that later – i think this is plenty for the moment. 🙂

So fellow internets, what do you think I should do? Any comments and thoughts are appreciated at this point in time 🙂

* A super-fund is basically an account that the government forces employers to pay about 9% of an employee’s wage into for the sole purpose of accumulating money come time the employee retires. I think its a bit like American’s 401k plan (? i think that’s what it’s called).

ICE’s first real haircut!

So, Ice had her first real haircut. I’d been putting it off for almost the 3 years she’s had hair long enough to cut! One of the main reason’s why I kept putting it off was because she kept this little kiss-curl she was born with, no matter how long her hair got (and this morning it was almost touching her tosh!) that little, gorgeous kiss-curl remained and never grew out! And I couldn’t bare to chop it off.

But this morning I decided it was time. Ice doesn’t like to keep her hair up for long periods of time, and she is always on the go – Lots of energy – so as a result she was always getting knots in her hair. Come time for me to brush it was always a session of tears for her, and sometimes me. No matter how gentle I was, it always reduced her to tears. And well, right now with everything that’s going on, I’ve decided that I really don’t need to go through that every morning. Not a great start to a day that is (at the moment) destined to be crap anyway. 

After day-care this afternoon, I took her to the local hairdressers and she sat on the booster chair, had the kiddie cape wrapped around her and I instructed the hairdresser that I wanted to keep the curl at the bottom, and to chop it off until it was just touching her shoulders. OMG. I couldn’t believe that I told her that! I don’t know where it came from, as I was initially going to get about 2 inches cut off.

Oh well!

So here is a few pic’s of my daughter’s new hair-cut!

IMAGE_548IMAGE_554 IMAGE_555 IMAGE_550

 

And one* of Khal just because I love him and want to show him off!!

khaldun

*His Aunty took this picture – can’t take the credit for this gorgeous shot!!

ugh!

I know I have been super slack in posting lately.

I’ve been struggling a lot with some inner demons.

I know this is a platform where I can vent all of  what ails me, but at the moment I’m trying so hard not to think about it myself, that not thinking about it is taking up all my time… Well that and dealing with two sick kids – one of which had her tonsils and adenoids removed, the other who has a chest infection caused by a virus (so no medicine will help apparently) and was also on the verge of hospitalisation. Both kids are doing much better now. Thankfully.

So, this is where I’m at. Hopefully soon I will get the courage to post about  what’s going on and expose myself to criticism and (hopefully) someone who cares enough to try to help.

I hope your lives are going better than my own at the moment.

Happy Days.

xxooxx

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