Why I’ve been gone for so long…. again….

Ok.
So here’s the story…. *deep breath*
For maybe the last six months I have been really unhappy. Lonely.
I’ve wanted to sell the house. Move away to some obscure place where there was no one who knew me. Where I could start my life fresh. WITH my family of course. I could never leave them behind.
I’m sick of the pettiness that goes on around here, the backstabbing and bickering in the family. If we are all talking one person at one time, it’s time to bring out the bubbly to celebrate because that is one thing that hardly every occurs – its like viewing Hailey’s comet twice!
My brothers and sister-in-laws all organise to do things together but rarely are we invited. It is always myself that initiates get togethers where we are involved. The excuses are mainly “you live in M” (they all live in S – about 12minutes drive away.) or “it was just a spur of the moment thing”.
Even my mother doesn’t ring or ask me to do things with her though she is quite happy to get together with Shan (my brother) nearly every weekend. The only time we ever spend together is when I call her, usually to ask her to help me pick up ICE from day-care as it 2.5km walk there 2.5km back (obviously) which is really a LONG way for a 4 year to walk in the cold weather, or to go into town to do some shopping, doctor appointments etc. And I HATE asking her to help cause I always feel and get the impression that I’m putting her out and she only does it because she FEELS she HAS to, being my mother and all.
My family doesn’t respect me. Clearly from their behaviour. I doubt any really care about me either. That really hurts because Hubby and I have helped all of them in one manner or another when they’ve needed it. Jobs, money, a roof over their heads, advice… It feels like it’s just being thrown back in our faces.
I don’t really have very many friends that I can just go to, drop in on and spend time with them. And even if I did, I couldn’t do that anyway because I don’t drive. And I’m not just the type of person who can make friends easily. I don’t trust very easily either, so that doesn’t help because I am always wary on new people.
So then there is my own feelings of being trapped. Not trapped in my marriage (believe it or not, i AM quite happy to be married to Hubby) but physically trapped because I have to rely on everyone else to get me to where I need to go. I know the solution of that is to just get my licence but, well, I’m scared. Not of my own abilities – i know I’ll be able to drive well enough given enough lessons – I drive ok-ish now. It’s all the idiots on the road that worry me! And there are a LOT of d.heads! Also, if I ever got into an accident with the kids in the car, and they got hurt or killed, I couldn’t live with that.I’m responsible for their lives. So that’s in the back of my mind too, making me put off just going for my license. But I’ve talked to Hubby about everything, and we are going to focus on getting me to drive, as it will open up a whole new world for me… scary stuff for me….
Then there is the feelings of not knowing who I am. I don’t want to be just a mum. I want to do something else with my life that makes an impact on others. But what???
Writing? Yeah well it seems that I’m not really destined to do that because I can’t even finish anything that I write.
Can’t do anything with photography yet – Hubby wants me to get my license first (fair enough).
And the fact of the matter is, I don’t even know WHAT i want to do. or WHERE I want to go.
I feel like I am floundering, going nowhere and that this town has nothing for me.
I’m just sitting here in a stalemate with myself. I’m getting older and older, and what can i say I’ve done with my life? I’m a mum. Yep and I love being a mum. wouldn’t change that fact for all the money or friends in the world. But what else? I haven’t accomplished anything else.
I hate my body. I’ve put weight back on because when I’m unhappy, I eat… yeah and well… I’ve eaten a bit lately! I’m back to weighing 82kg… I hate myself but can never seem to get control of myself. It’s really a vicious circle.
So… yeah, that’s what’s going on. I bet you didn’t expect all of that.

Well I’ll leave you with that to mull over.

Thanks for your time 🙂

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1 Comment »

  1. Heidi Said:

    I’m so sorry you feel that way. My inlaws are the same way about not inviting me/kids anywhere, but I just let it go after I did my part of trying and now we only see them for a couple holidays. I don’t care anymore. It’s too bad for the kids but oh well.
    I don’t make friends easily either and well I love living out in the boonies so I can choose who I see.
    I definately couldn’t live without my license though. I think that once you get it and start driving more, your fear will decrease because you’ll be so happy to get out and about.
    I used to take my daughter to the park or just to walk around the mall window shopping by ourselves and I still felt better for getting out.
    What about your book? Good luck. I’m glad you are back.


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