Absent

I’ve been absent for a long time now – much longer than I ever intended.

There are a few reasons for this :

(a) we were on holidays last week, (it was SOOO great to get away from the daily grind)

(b) my husband has been off work on leave all this week and I find it difficult to blog when he is around. I don’t think he knows that I have this blog – so i guess its kind of my dirty little secret that I don’t want discovered.

(c) we’ve been having some major issues with out internet service.

(d) the issues I’ve been struggling with I briefly touched on in my last post.

Those issues haven’t really resolved themselves, nothing much has changed, but I feel as though I can muster up a post – partly because hubby is at a meeting and partly because I know that’s been so long since I’ve posted, that I’m risking fading into the distance, from your memories as though I’ve never existed.

I had planned on going through with you all just what my issues were, but now I’m not so sure.  I’ll start and I guess we’ll see how far I get.

So.

I’m beginning to think that I suffer from post-natal depression. Though I’m not sure. That sounds weird, I know. But you see, the thing is, I’ve suffered from depression on and off since I was 11.  It was about 2001 since I was last on meds however.  But I have now got that familiar feeling of unsettledness, that bleak outlook on life and the feeling that I have nothing positive to look forward to. Only this time its worse because I KNOW that my life is pretty good. I KNOW there is sooo much to look forward to.

I have two wonderful little children that make me laugh daily, that I love watching grow and learn and discover new things. They really are the light of my life! The only light at the moment it seems.

My husband has a very secure job, we only have a small house loan (<$115k) and are able to make extra repayments on top of the mandatory ones. We have a quite a bit of money in saving, and due to living in Australia, we have a *super-fund for when we retire. This is a wonderful thing in these tough economic times.

We are all relatively healthy – none of us have any major health issues anymore. That’s a great thing.

And yet, it would seem that its not enough to make me happy. And this makes me feel uber guilty, which just makes me feel like a selfish, ungrateful little bitch. Which makes me look at myself in the mirror and think: what have I got to offer? Surely my family deserve better than this… cretin as a partner and mother! A vicious circle.

Now I don’t know whether its postnatal or not because of the whole timing, and the cause of these feelings. My baby is 8 months old, but  I have been feeling like this for maybe the last two months. I know that I’m extremely tired all the time – Khal has been very unsettled the last few months due to teething and wind (still no teeth!) and so, wakes up a few times a night. Normally he settles quite easily, but the getting out of bed, settling him, getting back into and then getting back to sleep actually take a lot out of my night’s sleep when it occurs multiple times a night. The thing is, even when Khal sleeps the night through, I still have trouble sleeping, still wake up at least a half dozen times, and find it difficult to re-settle.

Khal HAD also been biting down on me during feeding a lot and very hard, and nothing I did deterred him. When it got to the point that I raised my voice at him to stop, he would laugh at me! I know logically he’s not doing it to hurt me, that he does it because it feels good on his gums, but whenever he would laugh at me, it just made me feel like he was doing it on purpose – like he set out to hurt me. That would lead me to be completely irrational and think things like “I can’t be a very good mum if my own BABY wants to hurt me!” etc. I know these types of thoughts are completely off the charts crazy, completely irrational and illogical, but they are there, circling around in all the dingy corners of my mind. So that didn’t really allow me to look forward to feeding sessions – which occur 5 times a day mind you!

I have to say that the biting has settled down a LOT! Thankfully!

I tried to speak to my hubby about all of this and his opinion is basically: once I start sleeping better, everything will be hunky dory. He doesn’t think that its particularly serious and when I told him about it all, he didn’t really come across as concerned…. this led me to thinking things like “my hubby doesn’t love me” etc… and when I told him that, he got angry which made me angry and we fought very loudly and teary (on my part) . And basically now I feel there really is no-one that I can turn to talk about such matters except complete strangers, and while that is a great thing in itself (the blogger community really does rally to support in their times of need) the fact that I have no one in my real world life just makes me sad. The people who I should be able to turn to, I can’t.

I also have to say that  this did actually all start when Khal’s sleeping started being screwy – but having suffered from depression before, I don’t think it’s as easy as my hubby says – a few good nights sleep will most likely NOT help in the overall scheme of things.

There is one other pretty big issue that contributes to the above, but I will go into that later – i think this is plenty for the moment. 🙂

So fellow internets, what do you think I should do? Any comments and thoughts are appreciated at this point in time 🙂

* A super-fund is basically an account that the government forces employers to pay about 9% of an employee’s wage into for the sole purpose of accumulating money come time the employee retires. I think its a bit like American’s 401k plan (? i think that’s what it’s called).

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2 Comments »

  1. Heidi Said:

    Well, your definately not crazy!!! You may be post nataly depressed but maybe just suffering from regular stress and depression. Everyone has some bizzare thoughts now and again. I remember yelling at my 18 month old, I mean screaming at her sometimes when she wouldn’t get dressed for me or something else silly and small like that. My hus didn’t understand but he would also get stressed too.
    I found, that for me when I reached the point of total irrational frustration, maybe because of the kids, maybe because of fatigue, I had to go back on my antidepressant med. I take have tried a few and Lexapro works best for me. I am friends with another mom who has the same type of feelings. She calls it her “anger management” therapy.
    I don’t know if there are any safe meds to take while breastfeeding? Are you taking vitimins? They can help too. Especially B12.
    Just know you are not alone.

  2. Tired as well Said:

    Have you looked at http://www.panda.org.au? There are a lot of good articles in there that made me feel much better in myself.

    I have had depression before, and I feel like I spend a lot of time teetering on the edge of depression (I also have an 8 month old who is not sleeping well right now).

    Things I have found that help me… If i feel especially crappy I’ll tickly my son. It makes him laugh and that makes me feel wonderful. Like you said, some days that’s all I can look forward to.

    Eat well and try to exercise a bit if you can (a bit of walking, or sometimes I just have time for 10 pushups before my shower).

    Try also taking fish oil.

    Ask for help if you think you need it. I know when I feel I want to yell I need to step back – like you said it’s not rational. It’s not unusual, mind you – lots of people feel that way and they’re not all depressed, but it’s a good indicator to me that I need help.

    Don’t feel guilty, and be gentle on yourself. And if you look in the mirror and haven’t got anything nice to say, don’t look in the mirror for a few days 😉 It helps me.

    I guess I’m typing these things because I need to remind myself too. I’m a bit closer to the edge of depression at the moment than I would like to be. I could have written many of the things in your post.

    I hope you feel good soon


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