Archive for June, 2009

Michael Jackson’s Swan Song

I woke up this morning. I logged onto the computer to read the morning news on the internet, such as I do every day.

I was faced with articles purporting that Michael Jackson had passed away. I thought it was a hoax. You know, like the rumours that said that Harrison Ford and Jeff Goldblum had passed away.

And then I received an email from CNN that confirmed his death.

I am sad.

Sad for the loss that his death has created. As eccentric as he was, he was a musical genius.

Sad for there will be no more music from him. No more music to enrich our lives.

Sad for his family, his three children who are now fatherless.

Sad that the last photo taken of him was of his body as he was being transported on a stretcher to the ambulance.

I am glad that people are celebrating, singing and dancing in the streets, a living tribute to the man behind so many tabloid stories, so much criticism, and stinging allegations.

Has uncool as it is to actually enjoy his music (where I live anyway) I cannot deny it. I do. His History album was the first I bought. I was about 12. It was on cassette tape for crying out loud!

As much as the powers that be decided that Invincible was a flop, I actually loved it.

What else can I say.

R.I.P.  Michael Jackson.

No Longer

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Look at them! Look at  how beautiful they are. The light that shines from them is wondrous.

This depression I’ve been experiencing lately has been affecting them, I’m sure of it. There are fewer giggles, fewer smiles from both of them – and it’s because of me, because I don’t feel like playing along with their games or reading them yet another story because all I want to do is curl up in bed, pull the covers over my head and hide from the world, and from myself too.

How can I be so selfish? How I feel has nothing to do with them. It’s not their fault, but I’m taking it out on them. They are reaping what I sow.

My children are my life. Just about every parent knows what I’m talking about. My life is completely different to what is was like before they came along, but I could never go back to that life knowing what I know now, knowing just how they’ve enriched my life.

And its for this reason, plus a few others, that I’ve decided that this depression will have control NO LONGER!

I’m sucking it up people! I’m getting my shit together and doing what I need to make my children laugh and smile like they used to. I’m laughing and smiling along with them – and as fake as it feels sometimes, it’s starting to feel a little bit more natural everyday.  I’ve starting exercising more. By the end of it, I’m tired, but I feel so much better.

So here’s hoping that things begin looking up. And if it doesn’t soon, I’ll be going to the doctor to discuss my options. I am not going to let this depression defeat my children as well as me!

Absent

I’ve been absent for a long time now – much longer than I ever intended.

There are a few reasons for this :

(a) we were on holidays last week, (it was SOOO great to get away from the daily grind)

(b) my husband has been off work on leave all this week and I find it difficult to blog when he is around. I don’t think he knows that I have this blog – so i guess its kind of my dirty little secret that I don’t want discovered.

(c) we’ve been having some major issues with out internet service.

(d) the issues I’ve been struggling with I briefly touched on in my last post.

Those issues haven’t really resolved themselves, nothing much has changed, but I feel as though I can muster up a post – partly because hubby is at a meeting and partly because I know that’s been so long since I’ve posted, that I’m risking fading into the distance, from your memories as though I’ve never existed.

I had planned on going through with you all just what my issues were, but now I’m not so sure.  I’ll start and I guess we’ll see how far I get.

So.

I’m beginning to think that I suffer from post-natal depression. Though I’m not sure. That sounds weird, I know. But you see, the thing is, I’ve suffered from depression on and off since I was 11.  It was about 2001 since I was last on meds however.  But I have now got that familiar feeling of unsettledness, that bleak outlook on life and the feeling that I have nothing positive to look forward to. Only this time its worse because I KNOW that my life is pretty good. I KNOW there is sooo much to look forward to.

I have two wonderful little children that make me laugh daily, that I love watching grow and learn and discover new things. They really are the light of my life! The only light at the moment it seems.

My husband has a very secure job, we only have a small house loan (<$115k) and are able to make extra repayments on top of the mandatory ones. We have a quite a bit of money in saving, and due to living in Australia, we have a *super-fund for when we retire. This is a wonderful thing in these tough economic times.

We are all relatively healthy – none of us have any major health issues anymore. That’s a great thing.

And yet, it would seem that its not enough to make me happy. And this makes me feel uber guilty, which just makes me feel like a selfish, ungrateful little bitch. Which makes me look at myself in the mirror and think: what have I got to offer? Surely my family deserve better than this… cretin as a partner and mother! A vicious circle.

Now I don’t know whether its postnatal or not because of the whole timing, and the cause of these feelings. My baby is 8 months old, but  I have been feeling like this for maybe the last two months. I know that I’m extremely tired all the time – Khal has been very unsettled the last few months due to teething and wind (still no teeth!) and so, wakes up a few times a night. Normally he settles quite easily, but the getting out of bed, settling him, getting back into and then getting back to sleep actually take a lot out of my night’s sleep when it occurs multiple times a night. The thing is, even when Khal sleeps the night through, I still have trouble sleeping, still wake up at least a half dozen times, and find it difficult to re-settle.

Khal HAD also been biting down on me during feeding a lot and very hard, and nothing I did deterred him. When it got to the point that I raised my voice at him to stop, he would laugh at me! I know logically he’s not doing it to hurt me, that he does it because it feels good on his gums, but whenever he would laugh at me, it just made me feel like he was doing it on purpose – like he set out to hurt me. That would lead me to be completely irrational and think things like “I can’t be a very good mum if my own BABY wants to hurt me!” etc. I know these types of thoughts are completely off the charts crazy, completely irrational and illogical, but they are there, circling around in all the dingy corners of my mind. So that didn’t really allow me to look forward to feeding sessions – which occur 5 times a day mind you!

I have to say that the biting has settled down a LOT! Thankfully!

I tried to speak to my hubby about all of this and his opinion is basically: once I start sleeping better, everything will be hunky dory. He doesn’t think that its particularly serious and when I told him about it all, he didn’t really come across as concerned…. this led me to thinking things like “my hubby doesn’t love me” etc… and when I told him that, he got angry which made me angry and we fought very loudly and teary (on my part) . And basically now I feel there really is no-one that I can turn to talk about such matters except complete strangers, and while that is a great thing in itself (the blogger community really does rally to support in their times of need) the fact that I have no one in my real world life just makes me sad. The people who I should be able to turn to, I can’t.

I also have to say that  this did actually all start when Khal’s sleeping started being screwy – but having suffered from depression before, I don’t think it’s as easy as my hubby says – a few good nights sleep will most likely NOT help in the overall scheme of things.

There is one other pretty big issue that contributes to the above, but I will go into that later – i think this is plenty for the moment. 🙂

So fellow internets, what do you think I should do? Any comments and thoughts are appreciated at this point in time 🙂

* A super-fund is basically an account that the government forces employers to pay about 9% of an employee’s wage into for the sole purpose of accumulating money come time the employee retires. I think its a bit like American’s 401k plan (? i think that’s what it’s called).