Insensitive

I knew my hubby wasn’t a romantic when I married him.

And I knew that, because of his childhood and how he had to grow up, emotionally he was a little… stunted.

But I loved him anyway and I believed that the longer we were together, the easier it would be for him to let it go and start allowing his feelings rise to the surface.

What I wasn’t prepared for was the complete and absolute insensitivity he displayed last night.

I am still struggling with b/feeding my son of a night, the letdown reflex is still slow and he is still extremely frustrated with me and my body. As a result of this, for the past 5 days we ( I should say, I ) have resorted to trying to top up his night feeds with formula, Khal HATES this. The entire time I am trying to get him to drink some formula, he cries, goes bright red in the face, shakes his head from side to side and pushes away from me all in a bid not to have to swallow that horrible, awful liquid that tastes so different to what he wants and is used to. The most I’ve managed to get down his throat is about 20mls.

And, in response to him crying, I’m sobbing.

Sobbing because I am the one that is making him crying.

Sobbing because I have to put him through it.

Sobbing because of the guilt I feel because I was quite capable of feeding my daughter for two years and for some reason am unable to do the same for even a quarter of that time.

Sobbing because of the shame I feel in my body that is letting me down.

But, the reasons for why I was crying is irrelevant. The fact of the matter is I was crying.

Where was my husband?

Sitting on the other end of the couch reading a book. Completely unfazed by the entire situation, as if we weren’t even there.

And if that weren’t enough, he was actually pissed off with me because I went to bed without saying goodnight!

What a bitch I am!

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1 Comment »

  1. Heidi Said:

    Oh, my eyes are watering just reading about what you are going through. My hus doesn’t do well with tears, although he is a cryer himself. He cries at sad movies, when he is sick, etc. But if I cry I don’t think he knows how to react. I would have had some choice words if hus got mad at me for not saying goodnight in that situation!!!!
    I hope things work out with the bfing.


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