An explosion inside brings out all that I had to hide

The anger, the sadness, my secret darker side

My life is a train-wreck; it’s an internal battlefield

Through the carnage, they’re coming at me from all sides to yield

They can’t look away, for they’re enthralled by what they see

And so no one rushes in, no one tries to save myself from me

Everyone bears witness to my ungraceful and ungainly glide

Into oblivion, a place where happiness has long died.

I swim to the shores to where the darkness basks its skin

Balk at the sight of my reflection on the unearthly tinge

Try to stand up tall, resolve to claw my way up and out

All while the sprites and faeries dance about and shout

Of how it will never measure up, my expectations

So I may as well surrender to my inclinations

That this is the best, the greatest it will ever get to be

And I should just allow my spirit to be set free.

Disheartened, I slink away from the shores and begin to tread

Back into the blackest of oceans, the shadows of the dead

I strain my ears, hoping to hear the faintest sound of hope calling

All the while realising I’m sinking further, falling and falling

Into the darkness, the shadows of oblivion

To rest along side the other women and men

Who graced this earth for one reason or another

But left it too, instead to come here and eternally suffer.

***

Copyright Intricately Complex, 2009.

The first photo is the inside of my wrist, the second, the top.

What is wrong with me? What am I doing wrong?

KHAL has been screaming since 10pm – that’s for over the last two hours! I have NO idea what is wrong with him. I’ve checked for all the usual – too hot, too cold, nappy, teething etc and nothing seems to calm him.

If I get him up out of the cot he’ll settle for a few mins after which I’ll put him back into the cot. And then the screaming starts again. If I stand there and rub his back or tummy until he has quietened, the moment I stop, the screaming starts again. If I just sit by his cot, he will not stay lying down – he’ll scream and stand up and shake the side of the crib. it’s not good enough for me to be just near him! If I lay him down and give him his toy, pull the blankets up to his shoulders and tell him firmly “It’s time for sleep” and then walk out of the room, closing the door most of the way behind me, the screaming starts before I have even exited the room. If I lay him down and give him his lion, pull the blankets up to his shoulders and not say anything at all, then leave the room closing the door most of the way behind me, same result. I don’t understand.

I’ve even tried the controlled crying technique (in the past as well as tonight)… sort of. I hate hearing him cry and can’t bear to let him cry for longer than 10 mins without me going in there to try and settle him.

I just don’t know what else to do!

I feel so helpless right now. And I know the depression does affect the way I feel about and see things. I know that it colours everything that I do, say, think about. But this rubs really raw for what I believe to be a good reason!

You see, up until KHAL was 6 months old, he was a FANTASTIC sleeper. And stupid me contributed this to me learning my lesson from my experiences with ICE when she was a baby.

Apparently not.

When I was pregnant with ICE, I was induced a month early for various reasons – my blood pressure was sky-rocketing and ICE had actually stopped growing properly from about 32weeks, IUGR (Inter-uterine Growth Restriction) is the term I think that was applied.

So she was born at 36w3d and due to poor feeding, jaundice, and continually losing weight rather than gaining after the initial loss, we were kept in the hospital for 12 days after she was born.

Once she and I were home, we were instructed that we must keep a strict 3hourly feeding schedule. But she was soooo slow at feeding that by the time she finished a feed it was almost time to start the next feed! And it was for this reason that we kept her in the bed with us of a night time – so that I could get some semblance of sleep.

And while it served a purpose at the time, when it came apparent that it was time that she moved into her own bed (around about 1) it proved to be the worst thing we could have done. She didn’t want to sleep in her own bed. And who could blame her when she was so cosy with mum and dad?

The trouble we had getting her to go to sleep in the cot was horrendous. We endured copious amounts of rocking, patting, sitting near the cot, letting her fall asleep while feeding (then trying to transport her to the cot still asleep, did not work very often either). She never got to sleep before Midnight and the routine took over two hours before she got to sleep – on a good night! I spent many nights asleep on the floor, where I’d be laying while reaching up to pat her back and had fallen asleep out of sheer exhaustion. In fact, it got to the point where I actually put a mattress on the floor beside her cot in anticipation of this occurring!

During the day I held her a lot. Fed her to sleep and generally kept her close to me all the time (Boy was the separation anxiety intense when I first started having to put her into day care!). She never went in her cot whilst she was awake.

Back then, and even now, we did not believe in the controlled crying method of getting babies to go to sleep. I can’t bear to hear babies cry, it wrenches my heart out. I thought it was cruel to leave a baby cry it’s little lungs out for long periods of time.

But it got to the point where we just had to try it. I wasn’t getting any QUALITY sleep and life was starting take on a tinted film. We adapted the method to suit us – we never let her cry for longer than 10 minutes and once the crying escalated into distress we went straight in, whether the time limit had elapsed or not.

And ICE surprised us by accepting that we put her to bed and left the room straight away, none of the rigmarole was going to be endured. In fact she accepted this in just 2 nights!! I couldn’t believe it at the time! And all I could think of was, why didn’t we try this earlier?!?!?! 

She still didn’t go to bed before midnight, but at the time we took that. I was a night owl anyway and the fact that we didn’t have to take 2hrs to get her to bed was fantastic. She still slept until late, normally 9-10am, and had her naps, so I wasn’t worried about her not getting enough sleep. Once this new routine was well and truly established (about a month later) we started putting her to bed earlier and earlier. And now she goes to bed around about 8-8:30pm most nights. And it will be earlier again once she stops having her afternoon naps.

So anyway, I told you all this because I wanted to really show you how we’ve learnt from our experiences.

When KHAL came along, we had him in a bassinette beside our bed. He has slept in our bed twice in the last year.

Once he got too big for the bassinette – about 4months – we transitioned him to the cot in his own room, which he took to fine.

I don’t feed him to sleep. We had the whole feed, play, sleep routine down pat. I was quite able to put him in either the cot or the bassinette while he was still awake and leave the room without any hassle. I didn’t go into him straight away when he cried so he learnt to self-settle. I don’t hold him all the time, although we still enjoy PLENTY of cuddles and kisses and playtime.

I was quite proud of the way we had managed to change the way we did things and as a result of those changes, we had a baby who was a terrific little sleeper.

Until 6 months of age. And then it all went out the window. It’s like someone snuck in during night while I was asleep and switched babies with me!

Now, when I leave the room, most nights he cries. Fortunately after about 10-15mins of crying he will go to sleep by himself. This will normally involve me usually just lying him back down if he has been sitting up and pulling the covers up over him then leaving the room maybe once or twice.

During the night he now wakes up numerous times and will not self-settle. I am required to go in and settle him back to sleep. Usually this takes about 10secs.

And then there are the nights where he will cry for hours before finally going to sleep for the night (like tonight). He will still wake up numerous times through-out the night, which again requires me to settle him. Thankfully this happens maybe once every 7-10days. But it leaves me feeling completely helpless.

And then there are the nights where he has absolutely NO drama’s going to bed – no crying or anything, straight to sleep. But will wake up at around 3am and will proceed to scream for hours on end whether I am there with him or not. And those nights are the worst. Not only am I tired from only having a few hours sleep, but I’m desperate to try to settle him so that he doesn’t wake my daughter or husband. And not being able to settle a crying baby has to be one of the worst things a mother/father can ever go through! It’s very demoralising for me. These types of nights are occurring more and more often.

So I guess my problem is, what the hell am I doing wrong? We still employ all of the techniques with KHAL that we have right from the start, nothing has changed there. But it just doesn’t seem to matter.

We are doing all the “right” things and we still have a baby that doesn’t sleep well. It just makes me feel totally useless as a mother.

Any advice you may have would be soooo appreciated right now.

Now, I know most of you take these quizzes knowing that the questions and answers do not mean ANYTHING at all, that half of the time the questions do even have anything to do with the topic of the quiz. But we take them anyway, out of curiosity maybe, or for fun, from boredom, procrastination, a myriad of reasons.

I came across a quiz today. Apparently Fortune Teller Genius “knows everything” and will answer you with a “yes” or “no” to any question that you ask of him.

So, what do I do? I ask him a question. Why not? I know it’s a load of bull crap. And yet, I wasn’t prepared for his answer, even though I knew I had a 50% chance of receiving it. Logically, I knew this. I’m a smart person.

I looked at the answer and I felt a dull ache in the pit of my stomach. I also thought that maybe this answer may actually be true.

So I bet you are all wondering what I asked. Or not. But I’ll share anyway.

Fortune Teller Genius
Question: will i ever be happy?
Answer: Of course not!

Will I ever get this monkey off my back?

“25 Firsts"

1. Who was your first prom date?
In Australia, the equivalent to Prom would be our high school Formal. I never went.
2. Do you still talk to your first love?
We say hi if we happen to run into each other. We are both very polite and do a quick run-down of what’s been happening lately, but it’s a bit awkward.
3. What was your first alcoholic drink?
Port. I was 15 and staying with a friend who was much older than me. I had rice for lunch that day… you can imagine the scene in the bathroom when I was throwing up from drinking too much… I learnt my lesson though – I never drank Port again! :p
4. What was your first job?
I worked in a Fish’n’Chip shop when I was 15.
5. What was your first car?
I still don’t drive, but the first car I bought was with my husband and its a Holden Calais. I am taking lessons and hope to have my permit just after Christmas. 
6. Who was the first person to text you today?
No text message today. But my husband was the last person to text me. He came home from work last night to find that I wasn’t there (an extremely rare occurrence) and texted me to find out where I was.
7. Who was the first person you thought of this morning?
The kids. Always the kids.
8. Who was your first grade teacher?
I don’t really remember. We moved a lot when I was a young child and never formed strong attachments or memories until we settled down in the town where I lived for most of my late childhood/teen years.
9. Where did you go on your first flight in a plane?
I was living in Queensland when I found out that my father had just committed suicide. I was on the next plane back down to Victoria.
10. Who was your first best friend and do you still talk?
Jen. We’re still best friends and have known each other for most of our lives!
11. Where was your first sleepover?
Jen’s.
12. Who was the first person you talked to today?
My husband – he woke me up asking me if I wanted to go out for Iced Chocolate tonight and make sure I was ready (for when he came home from work)… Only that wasn’t the conversation he had with me… APPARENTLY he woke me up asking me if I was going to get ICE ready for day care this morning. I knew it was too good to be true – he NEVER suggests we go out for dinner.
13. Whose wedding were you in for the first time?
My brother’s, as a bridesmaid.
14. What was the first thing you did this morning?
Dressed ICE for day care.
15. What was the first concert you went to?
I’ve never been to a concert. Lame! 
16. First tattoo?
A little tiger cub on a tree branch on my shoulder blade area. I was 18.
17. First piercing?
My ears when I was eleven. Then I got the top of my ear pierced twice when I was 15 against my parents orders. Then my nose pierced at 16 and my tongue at 18. I still have my tongue and my lobes pierced.
18. First foreign country you went to?
Never left the country.
19. First movie you remember seeing?
No Idea.
20. What state did you first live in?
QLD
21. Who was your first room mate?
Lorraine. I moved into her house after my parents informed me that while I lived with them, I couldn’t leave high school. I sure showed them! lol 
22. When was your first detention?
Early high school. I punched a teacher who grabbed my shoulder bag in the locker-room. He also had a reputation for being a pervert.
24. What is one thing you would learn, given the chance?
Photography with a digital slr camera so that I can become a professional children’s photographer. Working on that!
25. Who will be the next person to post this?
Not many people read my blog, but if you do, let me know and I’ll be sure to check it out!